


A Personal Record of Unexpected Happenings, Parallel in Time (how-ever in Very Different Location) to the Early Garlean Civil War Period, by Kannadi Albedo, Captain of the Immortal Flames of Ul'dah

by J_C_D



Series: Kannadi Albedo [7]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Diary/Journal, During Canon, Eventual Romance, F/F, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Gen, Magic Physics, Main Character Reference, Near Death Experiences, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29525475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_C_D/pseuds/J_C_D
Summary: Kannadi begins a new journal, only to have its intended topic go far afield.[Occurs during the Shadowbringers main scenario.]
Series: Kannadi Albedo [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168502
Kudos: 1





	A Personal Record of Unexpected Happenings, Parallel in Time (how-ever in Very Different Location) to the Early Garlean Civil War Period, by Kannadi Albedo, Captain of the Immortal Flames of Ul'dah

**First Entry**

I have found a Journal to be redundant for some Time, but now on what seems the eve of yet more War with the Garleans, the Fancy strikes me, as it has in the Past upon moments of historical Import, to record my Perspective.

But to appreciate Perspective one must under-stand the Perceiver.

To titles: I am Kannadi Aranmula Albedo, Captain and Hunt Mark Co-Ordinator of the Immortal Flames, commander of the Metal Mirrors squadron, veteran of Carteneau and the Ala Mhigan campaign, slayer of sundry Primals, expeditioner of sundry Ruins, and writer.

To personage: My home is also my work-place, and there I live alone, but for Assistance rendered by several Retainers who live in the near-by Apartments. I spend my days well-scheduled, and in the evenings, with company or not, I read until sleep, unless called away by Duties.

To preferences: I enjoy academics, and the study of magic and ecology a-like. I enjoy teas, literature, certain Plants, games of strategy, and cool or neutral Colors. I detest the color Red, and most warm colors, and mushrooms, and seafood, and clothing that bares Skin between the wrists and ankles and neck.

To personal: I am a hyur Midlander, of 5f9i, born 2nd 5A, 1545 (6th A.E.), and a possessor of the Echo.

I am classified a Neuro-Divergent, which is a minority of the Population whose Mind operates in an un-conventional manner. I have difficulties with social Communication outside of the necessities of the Office, and am very Particular about sensory in-puts such as textures and Sound, and I am told that I hold un-usual Passion in my interests.

These aspects were once far more pronounced, to the point of dis-ability, by an effect I attribute to Dalamud interfering with my manifestation of the Echo. The Power of the Echo is to surpass the barriers of the soul; my Echo surpasses _my own_ Soul, granting a high capacity for self-examination and acute under-standing of my environment. However, with the proximity of the false Moon, I found the edges of my Soul greatly weakened, such that the keen-ness of all Senses often over-whelmed my ability to process them, and drove my mind ever further Inward.

The effect remains, but it is greatly Mitigated by an animate Entity of aether, whom I have named Lens. Lens has become quite adept at absorbing from my Mind the consistent un-necessary Minutiae that my senses deliver. I can sit now in the Quiet, and enjoy it on its own merits. My mind no longer races. I can focus fully, and on things of my Choosing.

Also I am told I have a flat Affect in my speech, but I digress.

The perspective of one such as my-self is thus:

The escalation of Hostilities has never reached higher in my life-time. Only recently did the Emperor and Crown Prince of Garlemald withdraw from the front lines in order to handle matters Domestic. I participated in the latest battle wherein the Eorzean Alliance repelled Garlean forces (providing arcane Artillery support in flight with others), and I found it all to be on a scale larger than Carteneau.

Now, it seems, all there is to do is to prepare to confront and repel once more.

**Second Entry**

Work goes on.

On this day I had been given for study a curious Relic discovered at the Crystal Tower. This relic is a Mirror, wrought of flawless opaque un-aspected Crystal polished to a reflective shine. It came to me as a curiosity acquired by my Squadron while on an un-related endeavor.

They found it most Odd, for it reflected im-properly the Faces viewing it – and only that, for the back-ground reflections were identical to life. P1C Brassard looked into it, and saw the face of a Viera child. 1LT Kupfruskwyn saw indeed a roegadyn, but a Man, and of the Hellsguard.

For my part I saw a Midlander woman of identical structure in face and Body, save for whiter skin and redder hair much like Father’s. This Face other-wise moved as I moved, and looked as I looked, with such fidelity that I felt compelled to check a Mundane mirror, which to my relief reflected the Truth.

I shall experiment upon this curious Glass in coming days.

**Third Entry**

Having subjected the Glass to scrutiny under the Manascope, I discovered a Contra-diction, which was: the light reflecting upon the mirror is split into two – but where goes the Second light, I cannot trace.

How intriguing! It is enough to make one forget entirely the state of War. I would indulge my-self in this mystery, had I the time.

**Fourth Entry**

Blast the War, this is far more interesting.

I have dedicated half of my Unit and most of my Retainers to searching for more Samples of this glass. Hunt Mark quality shall not diminish in the mean-time, of this I am certain.

**Fifth Entry**

I have promoted P3C Raelthota to P2C for the service of locating a second Crystal Mirror of identical properties. In both artifacts, the reflection is the same: an alteration of the Truth. This means of course that they are both Windows upon wherever the second rays of split light do travel.

And that in turn means that, with a spare, I can perform experiments of Invasive nature upon one to better ascertain their function!

**Sixth Entry**

Performed exhaustive compositional analysis of a sliver of the 2nd crystal Mirror, from waking to present.

It is crystal.

I knew this already, and the un-equivocal affirmation has not illuminated further Truths.

The endeavor was not a Waste of time, for at least I do know what it is not, which is: Illusion. The aetheric resonance of the component Crystal is un-like any I have seen, and I speak with certainty, having isolated its aethero-chemical wave-length. Surely it is by this that the Light reflects other possibilities of the Self – or perhaps, an entirely alternate star.

Further experimentation is required.

I also need to eat, having neglected to do so this day.

**Seventh Entry**

Admonished by Fyrilwhas to take better care of Self. Promised to eat more. Received Lunch of her making. Pleasant.

Showed her Mirror. Face within appeared to be Hrothgar, numerically small people subjugated by Empire. Showed her other Mirror. Same face.

Was asked, “What happens when one reflects the other?”

Stroke of genius.

Held up both in precise alignment. Fyrilwhas discovered great Multitude of images, extending to Infinity, but – vital point – _only seven faces_. Hers, and six others, of varying Races & Sexes.

Tried it on my Self. Same repetition. Truth, off-color Midlander, Highlander, Wildwood, Sea Wolf, Midlander Male, Miqo’te, Truth. That exact sequence.

Must gather more information.

**Eighth Entry**

I have confirmed the probable existence of more worlds than our own. Six, be-sides this One.

Manascope examination of the second Mirror revealed same splitting of Light, _and re-splitting_ , bouncing as it did off the First mirror and dis-appearing into Else-wheres each time. Light splits in a fashion Circular and Sequential, and such sequence only bears seven in number, and each wave-length of exit is of quantifiable Differences.

There may be seven other worlds wherein my Self may be, in other form.

Have they, my Others, dis-covered as much?

**Ninth Entry**

To-day I attempted a trans-formation of the second Mirror into a Window by means of aetherically bending the compositional wave-length of its crystal into itself.

I am unsure whether I met with success. The Mirror revealed darkness; that is a likely outcome if the same location in Otherworld were under ground.

I will test it again in different locations.

**Tenth Entry**

To-day I commuted briefly to Ishgard to speak with S, who was there on Business, the Intrigues of Court being in-sufficient to keep her away. There I explained the riddles of the Mirrors, and what I had found in testing, which was, where ever I visited, a land-scape of passing familiarity but for deathly Whiteness in the skies, and Creatures most terrible. In Ishgard, for instance, I beheld in the mirror vibrant land-scapes of riotous Color, yet the same heavenly Whiteness above.

S. was captivated, and wondered with me for some time about what the state of Life must be for those who live in this Otherworld, and other Otherworlds as well.

And she asked, “Why only seven?”

And I replied, that “I do not know.”

She said, “Turn it back, let me see my face there,” so I did, and the Window re-verted to Mirror reflection. Therein S. saw a tremendously fat Hyur man of wicked Expression, and so shocked and repulsed was she, that she dropped the Mirror, whereupon it Cracked.

She apologized, but I did not listen, for in the Fracture I saw... I know not what. Colors, and Distance. I immediately took the Manascope to its breaks, and saw I-know- _less_ -what. In-credible fractal repetitions, for ever and ever, defying more precise words.

The broken Mirror now lies beside me, awaiting further Study.

I must admit to Fascination.

Where shall this avenue of Study lead? There is no way to know but to pursue it.

**Eleventh Entry**

I write for calm and forced Focus.

I know not where I am.

I performed an experiment to shatter the cracked Mirror, using a bolt of aetheric wave-length similar to that which the intact Mirror splits from this world.

I did so at what I felt to be safe Distance, under-neath the roads of the Goblet in a quiet disused Passage, and yet the resultant Portal pulled me through, regard-less. I fell swiftly onto Brick, with some resultant Ache.

The sky is bright miasmic gold, yet the chill of twilight over Thanalan hangs about me. I sit upon a slanted Edifice of adobe. A massive formation of unknown yellow-white Crystal, shaped similar to a cresting wave, stretches the horizon. Some number of whole and partial Buildings hang suspended in it, swept-up.

The Portal hangs above, a sphere in the air like to a smudge of ink upon Glass. It is some three yalms from where I sit, horizontally, and some five, vertically.

I have no means to reach it.

Linkpearl works. Spoke with Fyrilwhas. Explained pre-dicament. She offered rope; I declined. The passage appears stable; most likely mere air Pressure differential between worlds & locations drew me in. I could return any time, by means of Teleportation, or even local flying Mount. I have no reason to fear, and should it close, I have the first Mirror on my possession, as last resort.

“Break Glass in case of Emergency” indeed.

I feel now sufficiently calm to begin Study.

**Twelfth Entry**

Encountered white voidsent on the road, of surpassing Ferocity and Durability. Prevailing left me over-exerted. I came slowly upon a Settlement on one side of a Gorge, and feigned dis-orientation, the better to glean knowledge from local residents.

This is not Ul’dah, but rather “Ahm Araeng” – the spelling Perfected after much inquiry, and fortunately the local Lettering is easily de-ciphered – a land alternate to Thanalan, though its Architecture bears passing resemblance to that of Ala Mhigo. Perhaps a fusion occurred in this world? I have taken to calling this reflection of the True-world “Otherworld,” though I keep that name in private.

This particular place, which to my great Convenience bears an Aetheryte, is called “the Inn at Journey’s Head,” which is a tiny Village of terminal hospice care. I have gleaned the white Voidsent is one of many plaguing this land, and that its existence is as Contagion, fatal and transformative to those that contract it, the plague Vector being evidently Touch.

Out of abundance of Caution, I have dis-infected my clothing with water brought to Boil.

An other point of interest: I gave my name and surname to the quite cheerful Hostess of the Inn, which she questioned for confirmation. Evidently a name “All Bed” is known to her in a place called “Crystarium,” to the north. A curious lead.

**Thirteenth Entry**

Fascinating wild-life!!! Shelled Mammals that can only be the extinct Armadillo! And such massive Cactuars!! Cactuar re-production by Budding was long dis-credited, but here it seems the Rule!!! And yet identical Tortoises & Moles & Peistes &c. to the Trueworld!

What other rules have Bent here??? What cause? This Light???

And the Peoples! Kobolds are not Kobolds, Hyur not Hyur, Roegadyn not Roegadyn, &c. &c. Differing names & histories surely as well…

I rest now at the market-village “Mord Souq” which makes its Livelihood picking about the Ruins of the city “Nabaath.” What small History I could glean from them all suggested a City-State like to Ul’dah, but lost in this Flood of Light.

The not-kobolds make interesting Food. This “mush bread” is simply Bread stuffed with Cactuar flesh, un-seasoned. Efficient!

No one I asked seemed to know of an Albedo, save for an elder not-hyur of regal Bearing, who called the name (to my ear) “al-Bhed.” They are a “Hume” people of small ethnic Number, admixed so thoroughly following the Flood that nothing now remains to distinguish them from Humes but the Surname, kept as cultural re-minder. Interesting.

Here, too, an Aetheryte. I am tiring, so I will experiment, and should I not return to Trueworld, will find lodgings here.

**Fourteenth Entry**

Teleportation un-successful. And yet Linkpearl works. Most curious. Different phenomenon governing both? Had assumed Aetheric transfer, perhaps something else? Must put mystery aside.

Difficult to write. Currently riding camel-bird.

**Fifteenth Entry**

Rapture.

A city of efficiency. Of work, and good works. An atmosphere of Welcome.

Hydroponics.

So many books. So much unread. So much to learn. A whole new world. As new as new can be.

Rapture.

Crystarium.

**Sixteenth Entry**

Three days now spent in the Books of the Cabinet of Curiosity. Slept once.

I could spend my life in this place. But now it seems the “spell” has Broken, and my hyper-active Focus has allowed me a moment back to Mundanity.

Evidently my speed-reading was of Amusement to the proprietor of this place, and he & I have had most illuminating Conversations. Evidently. I say “evidently,” for I have no memory of this, only of the Books. It seems also that he arranged for Food, which surely I must have eaten at some point in the Readings. I thanked him once my Focus broke.

I have taken it upon my Self to better organize these shelves, by means of the Decimal System common to Trueworld libraries yet clearly alien to this Otherworld. By this I would earn here my right to read all that I can.

Fyrilwhas put me in contact with my Commanding Officers, via Linkpearl, & to them I have re-counted the Events which un-folded to present. By their Orders I am given presently un-limited Leave to stay & to learn all there is to learn, & at intervals report back with Discoveries made.

I shall write that again, for Emphasis:

 _I am ordered to learn_.

Rapture.

As to the Portal, I am told it remains stable, and Top Secret. It is very easily Guarded; the corridor in the Goblet has been blocked & guarded, citing Construction, but no-one ever walks that way to begin with.

**Seventeenth Entry**

I found her. My Other-Self. She is shorter than I, and less Brown withal, but her Eyes & Face (& even style of Glasses) are indeed my own.

To titles: she is Hannah al-Bhed, scribe & purchaser for the Cabinet of Curiosity, Crystal Energy Specialist at the Crystarium Ballistics, skilled designer of Machina, and, to my surprise, dancer.

To personage: she sleeps & dresses & bathes &c. alone in a room at the area Inn, though she resides “in her work” (much like me!!).

To personal: she lacks family, and has few Friends, owing (she says) to Neuro-Divergence. I sympathized, greatly, and told her my own Difficulties with the condition, and intro-duced her to Lens, which she called a Pixie, which is a local creature of fey Aspect.

We spoke at length for all the day, she and I – I and I. On everything and nothing. How fervently we disdain inefficiency, & inequity, & inter-ruptions. What ardors we have for the sub-mersion & quiet focus that Reading gives. With whom it was we first realized our preferences of Love. What fascinations we hold toward our favored Subjects.

It is like to finding a long-lost Twin Sister. My world is… fiercer. This is new data.

I would show her a world with Night. I would show her twilight over Thanalan. I would show her Ul’dah. (Pending properly-submitted Permission, of course.)

I find I would do for her more than I would even for my Self, for she is … external? An other? Other to me, yet One with me? I struggle with the correct Definition.

Is this what a Friend is truly supposed to be?

This is new data.

**Eighteenth Entry**

I have now filled with joys of industry a full week in the employ of the Crystarium Cabinet of Curiosities. There is even now a routine! Wake, report to the Flames, organize, eat, read while eating, organize, report once more, eat once more, read, converse with Hannah, retire to sleep.

So orderly. So fulfilling. Such happiness as I have seldom known.

And it is Happiness, not merely Contentment. The question of where one ends and the other Begins had long, long be-deviled me, but now in this new Context I under-stand with a complete-ness I would not have merited possible even two weeks ago.

Contentment is peace. Happiness is joy.

I am happy.

With so much accumulated Knowledge to ab-sorb, with a life-style that requires me only to Learn and to Organize, and with a Companion who knows me more fully than any other Soul could attempt: I am happy. Had I ever been before? What was it that I once mis-took for Happiness, if this is its true form?

Surely this is temporary. Surely it is fleeting, as surely as heat cools and energy flows “down-hill.” But it had been so long since I was last “heated” (meaning here joy-ful), I had forgotten the Sensation.

I find the feeling of Happiness it-Self forces the World into new Context. It makes the whole of existence not merely Pleasant, & Satisfactory, but a thing of Jealousy: a thing that is One’s own, and must be protected in proportion to the Fierce-ness of one’s love for It.

I love now the act and acts of Living as I had not before – not for some time in-deed.

I do not know what to do with this information.

**Nineteenth Entry**

After much consideration & consultation with Hannah I have joined the Crystarium Guard.

“All the better to study the Environment, by slaying its Monstrosities,” was how I ex-plained it to General Tarupin, who this day was present at the opposite end of the linkpearl Report.

(It seems my Portal not only remains, but is in use by clandestine expeditionary Forces of the Sons of St. Coinach, but I digress.)

Hannah remains to carry out the Decimal re-organization of the C. of C., and wishes me all possible Luck in the slaying of these “Sin Eaters” (which are not truly Voidsent after all, but I digress).

Fyrilwhas wished the same of me, and said, to take care of my Self, & to come back safely to Ul’dah when first possible, for she Misses me.

I replied that I Would.

It is possible upon consideration of totality of Evidence within present existential Context that I love her.

Emotions defined by names can yet differ in Aspect. Friendship is identified to me clearly, as like to that Love I have for Hannah, but of a lesser Strength. With Hannah I have, I believe, a Sisterhood, a Love based upon a personal & specific under-standing of the Self more Intimate than could be had with any other.

What then for Fyrilwhas?

Will consider further.

**Twentieth Entry**

Upon lengthy pains-taking internal (with Self) and external (with Hannah) discussions of all available evidence in the context of Happiness and hitherto unexamined emotional re-ciprocation, it is rational and reasonable to conclude that I love her.

Fyrilwhas, “Lost Wax,” Guldornwyn, “Daughter of Gold Maple.” She whom I hired away from the tents of the Sons of St. Coinach for her categorization skills. She who has long labored in my service through tasks dull and sharp in equal Measure without complaint. She who long ago wished me to call her by her un-translated name. She who stayed near at hand during my re-covery from Injuries sustained in the fall of Castrum Abania, & who upon the eve of the liberation of Ala Mhigo kissed me in a manner I had thought Cordial. She whose heart surely suffered for my Ignorance.

Sufficiently peer-reviewed evidence leads to the conclusion that I love her.

Said Love, however, is of a variety upon which the Difference is key. Hannah is my Other-Self, my Sister. Fyrilwhas is Not my Self, & yet I wish to know more of Her – to attain proximity to her presence & to her mind, PRECISELY BE-CAUSE she is not my Self.

I miss her. I love her.

I do not know what to do with this information.

**Twenty-First Entry**

Patrolled. Slew Sin Eater resembling Gargoyle.

I love her.

(Fyrilwhas, not Sin Eater.)

**Twenty-Second Entry**

-evoke name, make metaphor on namesake sculpting method

-ordinary meter

-rhyme? Don’t bother

_Lost Wax to shape the vessel’s emptiness_

_So carved in yielding curve to form the void_

_Encased in clay, in flame-heat soon reborn_

_Poured out upon the earth to shape again_

_As sunset-heated metal fills the space_

_The false shape rendered, soon to be refined_

_Such rarity, resplendence in the skill!_

_But what became of that which formed the hold?_

_Ignored in task, the first forgotten step_

_The creativity’s necessity_

_Pour out upon my hands to warm my heart_

_You shall not be forgotten in my touch_

_Oh You who shapes and shapes again my void_

_My ignorant, contemptible delays_

_Become the candle heating gold to red_

_To pour within this vessel’s emptiness_

_And true shape rendered, let us both refine._

-make second draft?

-no, retain authenticity

**Twenty-Third Entry**

Found sufficient Nerve to recite it to her today.

I believe she approved. Difficult to discern nature of sobbing over linkpearl.

**Twenty-Fourth Entry**

Remarkable developments.

Hol. Switch attacked today by large number of Sin Eaters. Under command of CPT Lyna, I assisted in evacuation of Farmers. Having found twenty-seven huddled in Barn, I escorted them out, & immediately afterward the group was set upon by one Sin Eater akin to a Manticore, with others akin to Diremites.

I slew them, & saved the frightened many.

No sooner had we reached Safety, how-ever, but the miasmic Light of the Flood parted over our heads, and gave way to Night.

The stars were Different, but the Moon was not.

Such astonished ferocity of Joy there was among the people of the Switch, and of the Crystarium, whom even now I can hear making Boisterous Loud Noises out-side my Window.

They say a “Warrior of Darkness,” who is a figure of Myth, has re-turned. Curious parallel to the Trueworld term for those such as I.

**Twenty-Fifth Entry**

Contemptible development.

Eulmore, which (I have read) is a power of grotesque Stratification, is mustering for War with the Crystarium, regarding positions vis-à-vis Sin Eaters. And here I thought I might a-void warring in this Otherworld…

My orders from the Flames are to take as much effective role in Defense as possible, so to maximize the safety of the Portal in Amh Araeng, which yet remains open, the Sons having yet no notion of how to Close it.

So defense it shall be, to Fyrilwhas’s evident relief, & to Hannah’s clear preference. Perhaps request stationing at northern out-skirts?

**Twenty-Sixth Entry**

Crisis

Lens is taken they are gone

every Every detail of all everything, pouring, cannot focus properly on writing

breath

breathe

hear

feel

think

my priceless fillllter on the busy world s been Taken by Feymust get back Ventureing to Ill Meg where damn damn bEDANMNED PIXSEES TAKEN

Absent with-out Leave

**Twenty-Seventh Entry?**

[several tiny handprints]

[smudged abstract paintings of trees, flowers]

**Twenty-Eighth Entry**

How bothersome that day was.

To make clear what my barely legible Dis-tress could not: while patrolling the northern edge of Lakeland, I lost connection with Lens, who is as vital a component of my Self as my very Eyes. I had forgotten what it was like with-out them, every corner & curl of every surface fighting for my Attention and filling my head with their Minutiae.

I had to retrieve them as quickly as possible, and retrieve I did, through game after game devised by local Pixies, which had taken them out of Curiosity at resemblance to them-selves.

A stroke of ironic Luck that without Lens I perceived everything, besting the creatures’ every illusion by noting where Patterns broke and began, answering the creatures’ every riddle immediately after they could finish its Recitation. They declared me no Fun, and threw at me my despoiled Journal, for my adept-ness at spoiling their trickery. That very lack of Humor is what I used to end the Games. With Lens, I explained, I could think more slowly, and thus be Fooled so deeply that, given a choice of path between a steep cliff and freedom to Lakeland, I might well choose the cliff.

Predictably, the Pixies set up just such a Game, which with Lens’s help I of course bested, to their loud Annoyance, & found my-self back in Lakeland before they thought to pursue.

I am told that I was lucky to escape with my Life. I apologized to the staff of the Out-post, but I am told no Reprimanding shall follow, for I brought them some Interesting Diversion in what they considered the drudgery of the Post.

How any-one could think a quiet location such as the Imperative to be Boring is beyond me.

**Twenty-Ninth Entry**

Night restored over Il Mheg, some How.

Rumors circulate of this Warrior of Darkness, whom I would like very much to Meet.

Hannah finds it all extremely Compelling, with a fervor I would attribute to faith had I not known my “sister” as well as I Do.

Organization of the Shelves proceeds a-pace. In Otherworld as in Trueworld, work & life goes on, despite the specter of War.

**Thirtieth Entry**

Re-assigned to Fort Jobb on recommendation of Exarch, who had heard of Incident re: Lens, and upon learning of her Function re: my psychophysiology, thought it Prudent that I be placed further a-way from Il Mheg.

While I am grateful, I am now spending Time here flustered, be-cause, Fyrilwhas has been given Dispensation to soon travel with Expeditionary Force studying Nabaath Araeng!!!

She had kept it a Surprise, which in-deed it was, that she had in my Absence re-joined the S. of St. C. for the express Purpose of visiting this Otherworld. I suspect her connection with Me went some way toward being accepted for such a Venture, but all the better, so that (time permitting) I might see her!

Being closer to the Crystarium, Hannah finds it easier to send me Books, which I devour (in metaphor). They shall help to fill the Time.

**Thirty-First Entry**

I think of her, in ways anticipatory, the Like of which I had forgotten utterly.

I am a-verse to touch, but I wish to touch her, & be touched in return.

I am a-verse to others’ Directness of sight, but I wish to look upon her eyes, & be looked upon.

I am a-verse to meaningless conversation, but I wish to speak and speak to her, & listen & listen.

Her skin, kindling-wood brown. Her eyes, candle-flame green. Her highlights in her dark brown hair, cooking-warm yellow. Her height… attractive.

Attraction.

Attraction, an aspect of this particular category of Love, not necessarily necessary yet Present.

Flustering. Flustered.

Not an alien Sensation, attraction, yet rare & hitherto forgotten. Attraction, quite so, toward certain few School-mates, several life-times past.

What do I find Attractive? Height, or _her_ height? Colors, or _her_ colors? Do I have a Type after all, or is said Type simply Her?

How pleasant, to consider these questions rather than War.

**Thirty-Second Entry**

Would not have merited such a level of Embarrassment possible.

Spoke with Hannah re: Fyrilwhas. Among congratulatory support, she shyly broached subject of Certain Experience, & it seems neither of us have Had It with an Other, therefore Study would be advisable, but so few Books there are that she would have to Order more.

Came to Room to-night to find stack of Explicit titles awaiting my Signature provided to Concierge.

Had to explain at Length that this was for Professional Purposes & not mere Prurient Interest.

Flustering.

**Thirty-Third Entry**

She is here somewhere in Otherworld in Amh Araeng

She is here and I am stuck here & she is stuck There

But she is here!!!

Anticipation. Counting down hours.

Happiness.

**Thirty-Fourth Entry**

no

**Thirty-Fifth Entry**

She lives. She lives. She is safe & alive. Not so, several Expeditionaries, who had been be-set with Sin Eaters upon venturing too far from the Portal.

She was injured, but not (we believe) Touched, though she did see one fellow S. of St. C. trans-formed. An appalling thing. But she is in bed, being treated for injuries Mundane.

I have given their Reason for being there as, they were locals studying Amh Araeng, which is true enough. And so now she is the one injured by Fighting, while I am the one patiently at her bed-side.

In stolen moment I kissed her smile. She welcomed & gave back kinder than my long ignorance deserved.

I shall live forever in that Moment.

Magnetic. Attraction wanting only further attraction. But also I became cognizant of an Opposite, a Repulsion: wanting to repel that which harmed her, & wanting “also only” further Repulsion thereof.

The Sin Eaters will pay for this.

**Thirty-Sixth Entry**

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**Thirty-Seventh Entry**

Decided was decidedly Morbid to keep tally. Will refrain.

Focusing on work. Hannah doing well. C. of C. organization coming along a-pace. F. contracted mundane Infection, still a-bed.

Rumors of Eulmore mustering. For what? What else.

_What plague is War, infectious and vile_

_Across the bounds of stars, contagiousness_

_A cancerous betrayal of the mind_

_The growth of reason turned to tumor’s reach_

_A violence to serve a kin of self_

(refine later, Self)

**Thirty-Eighth Entry**

F.’s fever breaking. Colleagues from SoSC intend to send Flowers. Harvested several my-Self to gift her already. Rare specimens, described at length to P1C Charbonneau. Discussed other Things with her as well, i.e. date of return, for it seems the Flames h

**Thirty-Ninth Entry**

I despise interruptions.

Eulmore attacked us.

I took part. Too many lost, too many – but thank fully the fighting did not breach the Crystarium.

Great grief there is among survivors such as CPT Lyna, to have lost those finally beginning to taste Hope in the Lightless night.

F. was well enough to abandon her Infirmary bed to those more deserving. Unfortunately there are, at this time, no more beds to be had, and as such she is without a place to sleep. This will not do.

**Fortieth Entry**

A solution was found.

**Forty-First Entry**

Flames & SoSC had ordered a more thorough Investigation of Amh Araeng, such that denial is not an option. For the first time in my Life I felt a pang of conflicted Loyalties, & discussed as much with F. & H.

My most meddlesome Sister pre-empted additional anxieties by marching (figuratively) to the Crystal Exarch him-self & requesting that I be given Leave. The man was kinder than he had any Right to be, & made arrangements to that effect then and there.

I feel now closer to Sisterhood with Hannah than ever before, for I wished to Strangle her Neck while simultaneously Kissing her Cheek.

Embarrassment aside, I prepare now to set out for Not-Thanalan to make as precise an ecological & architectural Comparison between Worlds as can be made – and this, with F. and the SoSC at my side.

Rapture.

**Forty-Second Entry**

Returned to Ul’dah for the first time in many, many Weeks, to deliver Report in person.

In short, styles of archwork in oldest surviving district of Nabaath Araeng seem to indicate distant shared Heritage with designs recently un-earthed in sites deep within the Invisible City near Highbridge. Not consecutive by any means, but sharing some distant Ancestor, not unlike Nix toads & Hellbender efts.

Theories abound, and I am yet unqualified in Rank to learn them, so high is their Level of Classification. Through F., however, I have learned rumblings that the SoSC seems to believe that different Worlds may possess a single Origin. This seems logical. But why am I not yet cleared??? I discovered the existence of other Worlds my-Self!!

It is a matter of some Frustration, but F. knows precisely how to calm me.

My Estate remains in good repair, thankfully. The Retainers in my service are the best in the Business. And yet to be Attached to an employee in the manner I am with F. is un-Professional. A quandary.

**Forty-Third Entry**

It is most fortunate that my Bed is of substantial size.

We shall return to archaeological work in Otherworld most rested.

Here on this page I resolve that when next I return to Ul’dah I shall marry this woman.

**Forty-Fourth Entry**

Interruption to the Routine to-day.

It seems Eulmore had been overthrown, & only now did News reach us out here, with yet more: a plan to build what I am told is a Golem of Immense Size, for the purpose of reaching a Floating Mountain.

I have assisted in more unusual Plans than this.

Fortunately I know a thing or several about Golemcraft.

**Forty-Fifth Entry**

Remarkable device, this Elevator. I have copied the Designs to submit later to the Flames, for use perhaps in some particular Cliffs of Thanalan.

Met the Foreman, a Miqo’te of Father’s age, who seems clever yet prone to Anxieties. The construction of aetheric conduits from Core to Limbs that I had used in the construction of dear little Calcobrena were quite easy to scale up, so I submitted them for approval, & received such glowing Praise that it seemed to knock the man clear from yet another Depression.

I labor to imagine the people of Eorzea coming to-gether in such a fashion. It is Inspirational to see, and fills me with Hope – not merely for this world, but for all where Sapience dwells.

**Forty-Sixth Entry**

This plan is ridiculous. It is ridiculous in a way both amusing, for its Audacity, and infuriating, for its apparent ability to be proceeding well toward its intended End.

Sin Eaters will, of course, not abide such inter-ference. My skills will surely be needed.

**Forty-Seventh Entry**

[page torn out]

**Forty-Eighth Entry**

How many days remain to me? How many remain to any-One?

The others here are pleasant enough, though I do miss the care-taker I met when first I arrived. It seems she was Turned, & slain, quite some time ago.

I suspect she regretted being victimized in such a fashion.

F. returned with the Manascope to-day, and in observing my Hand through it, I can track the Course of the Light within.

The occluding color grows in Density, ever so gradually, by the hour. By what I have read of the Progression of the Disease, I may eventually lose the fine Dexterity required for a pen.

The contemptible sky has regained its Light at all hours. There is talk of somehow sealing my Portal as well, for the safety of Ul’dah. My Squadron wishes me well, but their voices carried Doubt.

Bothersome.

Worst of all is my being forbidden to return to Ul’dah while the Light infects me, to prevent contaminating Trueworld as well. I resolved, curse it. I RESOLVED. I wanted to be wed under Thanalan’s stars.

My least favorite thing is an unwanted change in schedule.

This will not do.

**Forty-Ninth Entry**

The point of returning to Thanalan in order to Marry has been rendered moot. It seems that bed-side Ceremonies of such nature are not un-common. Hannah officiated, having found a Book to that purpose.

It seems that looking over each other during Periods of Illness is becoming a habit for my wife and I.

I only regret the finality of this particular Period.

The gray in my Eyes grows paler by the day, and Fyrilwhas pretends to not notice.

This will not do.

**Fiftieth Entry**

Feeling better. Well enough to write, certainly. Looking back, I feel the need to note that my Diction did not let on the extent to which I struggled with existential Fear, the careful hand-writing be-lying the emotions be-hind it.

Such is my Manner, I suppose, that I under-state that which I feel the most Strongly.

In summary, the Light had vanished, and with it – slowly – my Disease. It would have ended me, if not for the acts of this Warrior of Darkness, to which I enjoy feeling like I contributed (re: ridiculous Golem, & defense against Sin Eater waves). I have no regret in said contribution. In taking the blow I did, I indeed worried my Wife severely, but at least she is alive to worry, which I hope passes for Apology.

The Flames have expressed the opinion that the value of a connection to Otherworld is too great to throw away, and so my Portal remains, even as I return to service in the Sultanate with my Department & Squadron.

Oh! Hannah has come, of course!! I showed her to the Ossuary last, not first, for I knew (& was validated) that she would practically Live there, learning as I once did from the history of an Otherworld. Except of course that mine is the True one. (We have argued this point many times.)

I have re-organized domestic services at the Estate, now that Fyrilwhas is no longer Employee but Wife. Her old position is now held by a very astute elezen woman of Ala Mhigo named Zehra. The resultant cultural ex-change has been most illuminating.

War yet looms, as it ever does. And yet, to think I began these off-handed writings believing it a-lone would dominate the subsequent Months fills me with a laughing sort of shame. What fool I was, not seeing the Changes to come in my life.

And what fool I would be to assume that no further Changes are yet in the offings. I must warn myself not to take this peace for granted.

Well. Regardless of warnings, the future fails to frighten me in the least. The present – and my Trueworld – is mine to defend.

Mine. Ours. I have a _duty_.

How glorious that it is a happy duty to have!


End file.
